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Glory be to God family. We pray for you today, that God will bless you & make your marriage thrive. We are living in unprecedented times, where the devil has declared an all out war on marriages. God is still on His throne and we pray that this post will change your marriage and draw you closer to the author who created and invented this amazing institution. All for His own glory & His own name.

This is part 2 of the talk we started yesterday about Marriage. Our focus today is on the role of the wife. For part 1 click on this link here.

Today, we want to be real, raw & relatable. No more pretending fam, the masks are coming off. When I was taking a shower earlier on, I felt in my heart that God wanted us to share the real us, especially the imperfect part, the one full of weaknesses & compromises. In order, that you may see how wonderful God is and even though we are all so imperfect, we serve a God who is perfect. And most importantly that marriage, is His idea.

Our Dating Life πŸ‘«

When Gathoni & I 1st met, I was in desperate need of saving. I had no motivation in life, I was in between jobs and living off a studio flat (pet name for a bed-sitter πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) in a locality called Mirema. With a lot of work from God & Gathoni, I was finally saved. I had a renewed zeal for life, and I felt like I could do anything (Complex Calculus Calculations included πŸ˜‚).

Many a time, we would recline on my 2-seater πŸ˜‚, with my head on her lap, and she would tell me how great a man I was. How the world needed my gifts and talents. She told me that I could be anything I wanted to be and that the world was mine for the takingπŸ•ΊπŸ•ΊπŸ•Ί. Even though I was a little nobody, in Gathoni’s eyes, I was the greatest. I ate all this up with a big spoon, it was like the oxygen my lungs had been craving for. In turn I loved this woman desperately, I could not stop thinking of her. I knew it right then & there, that she was the woman, I wanted to spend everyday waking up to. In time Gathoni’s belief of me came to pass.

After The Wedding πŸ’πŸ’£πŸ˜­πŸ™Š

Fast-forward ⏩⏩ to 6 years into our marriage. We are lying in bed, having one of our infamous fights. For the life of me, I cannot recall what it was all about, but man, it was spirited, ugly and heart-wrenching. Finally, it escalated and now Gathoni was sobbing and I was flustered. In my mind, that was always the scapegoat, tears. She hated confrontation, and I loved it. My mantra was, “Let’s deal with it once and for all”. Before long we knew, that the issue was not the issue at all. Both of us were deeply hurt, there was something underneath it all, and we knew we had to get to the bottom of it.

We both we feeling suffocated, fatigued and it felt as if we needed to come to the surface for air. We then sat up and decided to talk about how we were really feeling for the 1st time in a long, long time.

Gathoni’s Frustration

Gathoni felt that that I had changed. I no longer showed any care, intimacy or concern for her. I was a far cry from the man that she married. Everything had changed and she felt as if she was getting the raw end of the deal. Where was that fun, loving & caring man that she married? She now felt like she had to compete for his attention and his love. Was all that pretence?

Ben’s Frustration

I, on the other hand, felt like Gathoni no longer supported me. She had become so critical & judgemental of late, that I saw no need of telling her anything. Every time I came up with this new idea, she was quick to point out the 36 ways it would not work. I hated it so much. I wondered what happened to the girl that I married. The one who believed in me, encouraged me, pushed me, my biggest cheerleader. Was all that pretence?

THE MARRIAGE TRAP

We all felt it and though no one said it, we knew we had gotten ourselves into a trap and the only way out was ‘Till death’ πŸ’€ πŸ˜ͺ πŸ’”

The next day we desperately asked God to help us. Since, He was the so called author of this institution, why is it that we the students were feeling trapped and wanted to be expelled. God then led us to a small verse at the tail end of Ephesians 5 that we had not paid much attention to before:

So again I say, each man must LOVE his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must RESPECT her husband.

Ephesian 5:33

The 2nd part of Ephesians 5:33 blew our mind!! We had never before been taught about this anywhere. When we got to read more about Love & Respect, we were astounded that so little is taught and said about this amazing wonder-working principle.

The Wife MUST Respect Her Husband

For both of us, this whole idea of ‘Respect’ was an absolutely foreign notion. All we had been taught, was that the wife was to submit. The bible mentions that Respect MUST be given. That means, without condition, basically UNCONDITIONAL. As the man is commanded to unconditionally Love his wife, so the wife too is commanded to unconditionally respect her husband.

What is this Respect?

Respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. Basically respect is: Adoration, holding someone high esteem, encouragement, admiration & Honour.

The truth was that, I craved RESPECT and unfortunately, we both did not know it. I had been conditioned to believe that my deepest & most primary need was Sex! Oh how wrong we were. Respect was what I lacked and needed all this time.This was the missing piece in our marriage.

Unfortunately, culture misunderstands & misinterprets this word ‘Respect‘. Some say that a man has to earn or deserve respect. Others say that it will encourage narcissistic (Inflated sense of self importance) behaviour in men. I was socialised to believe that it was wrong, chauvinistic & backward to desire to be respected by my wife.Most people do not know is what respect actually is? Simply put it is admiration, adoration and honour. That ladies, is the most deepest need of a man!

EUREKAMOMENT!!!

Ephesians 5:33 commands the wife to unconditionally respect her husband. That means that Gathoni is to focus her mind, will & energy in respecting me. She is to study this, ask me questions (How I would want her to respect me) and most importantly ask God to show her ways in which she can show respect to her husband.

When we were dating, Gathoni automatically, adored, admired and honoured me. She unknowingly affirmed and believed in me. Now that she was married, it was no longer ‘automatic’. She had to put in the WORK into her marriage i.e. be ‘INTENTIONAL’ in her role and seek this above everything else in her marriage.

So What is Unconditional Respect?

Unconditional respect does not imply unconditional agreement or becoming a door mat (As most wives fear they will turn out to be), but it does imply that in all things and at all times you are to maintain an atmosphere of honor in your marriage. It means not putting him down when you disagree. It means not talking badly about him to your friends or family. It means not browbeating him when asking him to do something. It means not assuming he will do the wrong thing.


Instead, what I would love to hear Gathoni say to me is (Affirmations):

You are the best hun. Wow, that is so clever of you. Amazing! that is the best idea I have ever heard. You are such a handsome man boo boo. You can do it babe, I know you can!. Don’t worry babe, I know you are gifted, just wait they will see. Me and you can do this love, I believe in you and I know that nothing that you set out to do is impossible!

The Range Rover Story!

Gathoni knows that my dream car is a Range Rover. She told me that when God blesses us she will get me one (I love this girl 😘😍). One day, she asked me why I would want to own a Range Rover. I had not concrete answer for her. Though, I remembered that one day I saw one of our clients in a Range Rover and I saw the respect & admiration accorded to him (By both girls & especially guys) that it struck a cord within me. You see, we men, crave respect especially amongst our peers. When someone admires you or compliments you, it feels like a breath of fresh air. That is just how God made us πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Deep down we all crave & desire respect. Have you ever seen how men behave a wealthy/powerful person? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.. That is reason enough why it’s very difficult for a politician to leave office. Such high respect is very addictive

Sarah’s Example

One of the portion of scripture that a lot of wives have an issue with, is this one

..as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.

1st Peter 3:6

Please note that Sarah was a strong, brave & wise woman. Yet, she understood this principle well. That the deepest need of her husband was to be honoured, respected & admired. Look at the way people treat members of the royal family. Or closer home, look at how we honour and respect our leaders at church.

The fear of many wives is that, what if I encourage, believe in him, push him & support him, then when he gets to the top he will leave me and get the next hot 18 year old! The truth is this, men crave & desire respect, that is their oxygen. And they will lavish with Love & attention to whoever gives it to them (Main chick or side chick). So, just focus on playing your role well. Ask God for help and do it with all your heart, and just sit back and watch that man love & serve you. I have seen it over and over again as I have keenly studied successful men & women whom God has brought our way.

The Effect of Love & Respect in Marriage.

God taught us this as the root cause of all the issues in our marriage. Unconditional LOVE & RESPECT. My role as the husband was to focus all my energy on loving/adoring my wife, irrespective of whether she was respecting me or not. While Gathoni’s role, was to respect/honour me irrespective of whether I was loving or not. The beauty & magic of all this is that it is like a cycle. The more you respect your husband, the more he responds affectionately towards you. Basically, you have to give that which he needs in order to get that which you need and vice versa also to the husbands. Once you love her, she will respond automatically in respect towards you.

Also, I realised that as we were dating, I believed in what Gathoni believed about me. If she told me that I could do it, then I believed I could do it. And through her support, encouragement and cheerleading, I got voted as the best blogger in Africa while at Lagos. The opposite is quite true, if you criticise, belittle or discourage your husband, he is going to become just that. (The power of the tongue). Irrespective of whether the world out there thinks he is hero.

And hence the adage: Besides every successful man, is a woman who believes he CAN.

This is what the Safaricom CEO, Peter Ndegwa’s wife wrote on Facebook on the day that her husband got the appointment

β€œMy dear, you always tell me that there is no short-cut to β€˜real’ and β€˜lasting’ success. Your appointment is proof that hard-work, commitment and integrity pay off. I have experienced first-hand the long hours and your commitment to self and others to achieve great things. You have taken risks – going to challenging markets but the experience you have gained, sets you apart. I know, just as has been the case, integrity and humility will continue to be your trademark in this new role. We, your family, will continue to support you and pray for you. For exaltation does not come from the East, the West or the South, but from God.”

Jemimah Ndegwa

Peter Ndegwa said his family pushes him to shatter the glass ceiling, and that he ensures he travels with them to the countries he is posted to in the line of duty. (****Wives Clap Here)

In Conclusion

Ladies, truly your marriage is in your hands. The bible cautions us that….

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers

I implore you to go humbly to God everyday and ask him to show you how to respect your husband. Think good & positive thoughts over him when he is away and when he comes home, let him be glad he did. Be his biggest support system & his one woman cheering squad πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I guarantee you that both of you will be unstoppable. And wherever he goes, he will definitely take you with him ✈ πŸ›© πŸ›¬.

To God Be The Glory,

The Kiruthis


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Comments

  • Cleve Chiro
    Reply

    This is really encouraging and eye opening. My take out is that we have been conditioned to think respect has to be earned and it is very chauvinistic and this is truly a lie.

    Ps: could you share about how you guys handled financial difficulties while getting into marriage. If as a man there were any fears and how you as a man has dealt with those fears and how did your wife also act during times of hardship

    • Easter Kinyua
      Reply

      I would really love to read about this topic too

    • Anonymous
      Reply

      I second it. I would really like to read about how to handle finances in a marriage

  • Samuel
    Reply

    Amazing and encouraging blog post.

  • Anonymous
    Reply

    Such a lovely and timely read for me. I have always admired you people and the love you have for God. Thank you very much for sharing these words of wisdom.

  • Jane
    Reply

    This has spoken to me! Wow!

  • ZIPPORAH KAMAU
    Reply

    Lovely

  • Anonymous
    Reply

    Awesome eye opener

  • Eldad K
    Reply

    Waoh guys thank you for sharing such an eye opening and challenging message. Blessings!

  • Dealing With The In-Laws: The Precursor – Kiruthis' Blog
    Reply

    […] is not words but your behaviour. RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOUR. (I talked at length about RESPECT in this post here.)This is the key to win over your husband, and most importantly to get him ‘to do’ that […]

  • Njeri
    Reply

    Amazing read! May the Lord help us as women.

  • HALIMA
    Reply

    I love this piece totally .. wow am just got addicted to reading your articles. someone said we need to mind our business and carry our duties as God has given us, Husbands stick to loving you wives, submission is none of your business so do not meddle or show how to submit because it is not your responsibility from God. Wives kindly stick to submission and do it so well as that is what God has called you to do, we are not to meddle into the business of teaching our husbands how to love, if we all first minded our responsibilities, I believe everything merges so well.

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