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We grew up in a tiny, lovely farm, right on the outskirts of our great city. We had a seasonal stream that flowed at the boundary of our lot. Twice every year, the stream burst its banks, full of rushing, brownish water. We sat by it often, wondering where all this water was rushing to. My favourite past time was identifying a drop and following it downstream until it disappeared in the torrents. I imagined the many wonderful adventures it would go through, before finally ending up in the some great lake somewhere. The rest of the year, the stream was barely a streak of water, miserable and lonely.

One day, my father came up with a wonderful idea. He brought several gunny bags to my siblings and I and together we filled them with tonnes of river sand, that was just lying idle in our compound. We then got some help, loaded them onto our faithful family wheelbarrow and transported the bags down to the stream. He then placed the heavy bags at the very end of the stream and built a tiny wall with them. Later that month, the long rainy season commenced and to our amazement a little dam began to form. The overflow continued flowing downstream, but we caught some of the water, and this is where all the fun began. Once the rains subsided, we dug some canals into our shamba and it directed some of the water to feed our small vegetable garden that we had been trying for years to establish. Members of the nearby community dropped by often to fish with their long fish hooks and also the women fetched water by its banks in their yellow jerrycans. That little dam became such a source of joy to us and those who lived nearby and later on became a wonderful lesson for us in our marriage.

The Early Years

In the early years of our marriage, I was like that seasonal stream at the farm that we grew up in. My waters flowed everywhere, without control & without discrimination. I was Oprah all over, you get a car, they get a car, everyone gets a car! And because of this, I was barely left with any goodies for my young wife, Gathoni. In simple words, I was attracted to everyone I came across, and by the time I came home, there was little or no attraction left for my wife.

I always excused it away as maturity, love is mature, what we had in our courtship was just puppy-love. This was real love, stable, mature and deep, not just surface stuff. Oh how wrong I was! God led me to the verse I shared yesterday in this post, from the wisest man who ever lived. Just to reiterate, this is what Solomon said;

Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

Proverbs 5

I wasted my waters (sexual energy) on the women passing by on the streets, IG babes and the ‘wild‘ wide web. And because of this, there was nothing left to rejoice or enjoy with the wife of my youth, as Solomon advised. I figured that as long as I was not sleeping with them, then it was fine. ‘Kukula na macho’, I later heard it being called. Jesus though, said that even if you look with lust, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart.

Basically, even if you are just ‘looking’, you are as guilty as one who is already getting busy in the sheets with them. Same Whatsapp!!!

The Solution

God told me that I needed to build a wall around my eyes, this wall was to dam the waters of my sexual energy so that I could stop sharing it with strangers. This wall is called Self-control or discipline. Listen to what Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said about this wall

A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.

Proverbs 25:28

For those who are fans those medieval movies, you know the importance of walls to cities. The walls were used to keep the enemies at bay. The stronger the walls, then the more secure the city became. If an enemy could bring down the walls of a city, then that city would be captured and all its inhabitants killed or taken hostage.

In the case of our marriage, I was the city with broken down walls, because I could not control my self. And because of my lack of self control, I opened up our marriage to all kinds of evil, creepy and monstrous attacks. The 1st ‘person’ to be captured and killed in our ‘city’ was, sexual attraction. Man, it was zero. No, matter how much I tried, I could not see my wife in that light; that raw, animal desire was just not there. Next victim was peace & harmony. We seemed to disagree about almost every topic. Everything was an excuse to fight! it was tiring and exhausting. God gave me this example….

The House in the Hills

For those who have visited Kampala or Kigali, you can attest to beautiful houses built on hills. The elite & crème de la crème, of these cities live up in the hills, where they are able to enjoy the best views to the city. Our marriage too, was like a beautiful house on the hills.

On the day we got married, our parents gifted us this beautiful house on the hills. It was so beautiful, multiple storied and with the most beautiful garden in the world. Around it, was build this very high and intimidating perimeter wall. Many moons after, I started going to the rooftop and trying to look over the walls, imagining what lay outside there. All I could see was other beautiful houses in other hills, and I began to day dream and imagine what went on in those houses. One day I had had enough of it and decided to leave our house, break down the wall and explore what lay outside. And so I began pounding on the wall, frustrated and feeling already very claustrophobic by our house.

One day, our parents came to visit us and I shared with them my frustrations. They asked me to get into their ‘helicopter’ so that I could have an aerial view of our beautiful land. From this perspective, I was able to see the huge dense forest all around our house. In this forest, lived all kinds of scary wild animals. In fact, they roamed the wall outside our house.

Just beyond this forest lay the most steep drop, down a cliff. I was so amazed and scared at the same time. My father told me that the purpose of the strong and high wall, was to keep out the wild animals & also to protect our home and keep us safe. Also, once I left our home, I would surely get killed, if not by the wild animals then the drop from the cliff would get me. My father then showed me my how beautiful our home was. There were so many areas that I had never seen before, so many wonderful areas to explore and enjoy. If only I could take the time and get interested in our home then I would see the beauty that was just waiting to be discovered and explored.

This parable was the story of our marriage.

Re-Building the Walls

And so, together with Gathoni, we began rebuilding the broken down walls. We blocked all those steamy sites, unfollowed all those raunchy accounts, and I started practising the art of looking away. We did it together, fighting back to back together to defeat this enemy. The bible tells us that one can chase a thousand but two can chase ten thousand. Re-building this wall of self control is a tedious, long, frustrating and tiresome process, because there are so many threats to it. In fact you have to build with one hand and hold a sword in the other. Fight and build, build and fight, it is one of the most satisfying projects that a married couple can undertake.

To top it all, we have a wonderful helper to assist us build. This helper (contractor) comes with the machinery, the bulldozer, the crane, the 1,000 man team. They also come with fighter tankers and an army of foot soldiers to fight off the enemy. This helper is the Holy Spirit. The bible in Galatians 5 gives self control as the last (and I believe the most important) fruit of the holy spirit. The Holy Spirit is not just for rolling on the floor while speaking in strange tongues, this will give you self control.

That combination of spouse + Holy Spirit is the best combi to help you fight this good fight. Do not worry if you fall in the construction site, just get up once more and keep building, one day at a time, brick by brick and someday the wall will be complete.

Tomorrow, (if God wills) I will share on the 2nd and most successful method that Solomon shares in your battle to bring the fire back to your marriage. Keep Refreshing

To God Be All Glory

Please share it with someone who needs this


  • Kaphoii


  • Cheryl

    I am not married yet but am learning alot,thanks for the enlightenment ,these are things that are talked about even premarital counselling classes,God bless you.

  • Anonymous

    Great read as usual. Not yet married but am learning a lot…

  • Bringing The Fire Back: Part 2 – Event Vendors Markerplace

    […] This is a follow up to part 1 that you can read here. […]

  • Essy

    Thank you for being vulnerable especially matters intimacy
    The myth that men want sex all the time makes us have expectations that lead to conflict and disagreements
    Working together to restore ….this is beautiful

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