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We have been dealing with the wrong enemy in our marriage, and over the last few days, God has begun exposing this silent enemy. The interesting thing about this enemy was that it is completely invisible to oneself. For me, it was so easy to spot in others but was so difficult to see in myself. Remember the very famous words of Jesus Christ

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:5

This verse hit home differently in the last few weeks. I have been seeing ‘issues’ with others but not seeing the plank/log in my own eye. These past few days God has been showing me the plank in my own eye and for the first time, I have come face to face with my biggest enemy…EGO!

What I thought Ego Was

For a very long time, I believed that I was immune to this ‘thing’ called Ego. In my opinion, I was not puffed up with pride, or I did not think I had an elevated sense of my own importance.

I constantly looked for ways to ‘Humble Myself‘ as the bible cautioned us. According to me, I was doing ok in this ego department, but I saw it a lot in other people. It was the most unattractive thing about a person.

I thought Ego, was walking around with a puffed up chest, thinking that you are better than everyone else. I thought Ego was stepping on people to get where you wanted to go, I thought Ego was using people to get your own agenda. I thought Ego was always wanting to be seen and cheered on by others…

Oh how wrong I was!

What Ego Really Is!

Why Ego is so dangerous is that it is subtle, under the surface, and distinguishes itself as ‘humility’ though it’s a false kind of humility. I call it the invisible enemy.

Ego simply put is putting oneself before the other person. Every-time you have put your interest before another person, that is Ego. Crazy right?

We live in a time where we are socialized to think about our own interests first. Do you boo! Don’t sacrifice your happiness for someone else! Your life is yours, live it on your own terms! Nobody cares about you but you! and the list is endless. We have grown up in a culture and time where putting yourself first is not only cool but the right thing to do.

Fighting The Wrong Enemy

The Bible commands the husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. I knew that in order to have a happy & fulfilling marriage, then I simply had to love Gathoni. Even though it sounded so simple, it was the hardest job in the world, and I talk about it in my blog post here. So, from the onset, I knew that my job was cut out for me, I had one enemy in my marriage and that was INDIFFERENCE.

Indifference is basically stopping to care, stopping to communicate, stopping to fight for your marriage. This, I believed was the opposite of love and I got all my arsenal & guns out to fight indifference in our marriage.

Oh, but how I failed. Gathoni was constantly feeling unloved and all my ‘attempts’ at showing her love were failing. As the years wore on, I was getting accused of indifference much more than I was being praised for being loving. Something was wrong, where was I dropping the ball? When did the rain start beating us? The answer was simply in the word of God.

What They Never Tell You Before You Get Married

The reason why I was struggling to love my wife was hidden in a tiny verse in the bible, that everyone seemed to avoid

“In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives AS they love their OWN bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for HIMSELF.”

Ephesians 5:28 (NLT)

Mind-blowing right?

I have just capitalized/emphasized the words for the benefit of our discussion today. The Bible here gives us a key/principle that is seldom ever talked about. Apostle Paul here is addressing the husbands and admonishes them to love their wives, as they love their own bodies. That means` that clearly we men LOVE ourselves so much. And that is why Gathoni kept telling me that every time she felt un-loved was when I was being selfish. (I only wish I truly heard her). When I put MY interest before her own, Gathoni felt un-loved. I found it interesting that Paul did not command us men to love our wives MORE than our own bodies but to love them in the SAME measure as we love ourselves. Just imagine that! And the reason why it was so difficult was because of that simple 3 letter word EGO!

Paul then says that If I desire a better life & more happiness (Self-love) then I just need to invest more in catering to the interests of my wife. The more I love Gathoni, the better my life becomes! If I can put her interests 1st, then my interests will automatically be taken care of. Amazing right?

So, I just forget myself, or What?

No, the bible does not tell us not to think of ourselves at all, it just says think of yourselves LESS. Not more. That is what culture gets wrong. People think that selflessness is not thinking about your interests at all. WRONG. Selflessness is simply thinking of your SELF LESS. That is the same definition of HUMILITY. Simply put, selflessness is not timidness or being a door-mat.

Think about it this way. When you walk into a room full of strangers, what 1st comes into your thoughts?

EGO: What are all this people thinking about me?

SELFLESSNESS: What I can do to help?

That is it. Ego focusses more on YOURSELF while SELFLESSNESS focuses more on the others.

Marriage is a Daily Sacrifice of Your Ego

A few days before we got married, I stumbled across this letter that a father wrote to his son. In his letter, the father says that a lot of people get married for the wrong reason, and that is why most marriages fail. He says that most people get married in order to be HAPPY!

Now, that we have been married a few years, I know that nothing can be further from the truth. Marriage is not about one’s happiness. He goes on to say, that the only reason one should get married is this…to practice the daily sacrifice of one’s ego.

How is this? simply put, marriage is NOT ABOUT YOU! It is not about getting what you want. It is putting yourself (EGO) aside for the interest of the other person. Sacrificing your ego is like dying to yourself. You put aside YOUR desires, YOUR wants, YOUR needs, YOUR comforts for the benefit of the other person. That, my friends, is what God showed me. My TRUE and REAL enemy was my EGO. And it was standing in the way of loving my wife, as Christ loved the church

Now slowly read the below bible verses with this new revelation

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Analogy of a Man in Love

Think about it this way, have you ever been deeply in love with someone? or at least had a crazy crush on someone? The only thing that you think about is them. How are they doing? What can you do for them? How can you make their life better? You just want to spend the entire day listening to the sound of their voice. Anything that they may need, you will be the 1st to offer help.

Notice in all the above, there is nothing about ‘me’ or ‘myself’ or ‘I’. When you are deeply in love it’s all about the other person. That is the laying down of your life that the bible speaks of. The dying to self. I could never love Gathoni truly as Christ loved the church unless I lay my LIFE down. What needed to die was my EGO and that was what God was TRYING telling me.

In Conclusion

EGO is the number 1 killer of all marriages. All fights and arguments have their source in Ego. The bible tells us this…

Where do those fights and quarrels among you come from? They come from your selfish desires that are at war in your bodies, don’t they?

james 4:1

That is why Ego should be your number 1 enemy. Guys, you cannot truly love unless you learn to let GO of the E word (E must GO).

So, then what is the reward of letting go of your ego? Paul in Ephesians 5:33 tells it this way

Nevertheless, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

That means that if you focus on taking care of the needs of your wife, then your wife will NATURALLY respond by taking care of your needS (Respect). Do you now get it, that is why the bible says that he who loves his wife loves himself. Because at the end of the day, you will be the one to BENEFIT from a wife who is LOVED.

Don’t take my word for it, go try it at home.

Glory be to God,

The Kiruthis

Please share it with someone who needs this


  • Onesmas Manero

    Awesome. very profound, Am learning a lot from your blogs. Thank you Sir for sharing.

  • Eden Agaba

    This blog has been very helpful in my marriage….Ego is killing it but i know God will save us,this is very good insight. All will be well.

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