I always wondered what happens to the female libido after marriage. Every man I could find complained how much their wive’s lacklustre libido was ruining their sex life. She simply was not interested in getting ‘jiggy’ with it any more. And the few times the husband got lucky, then it was with a lot of coercion that bordered on begging. Something needed to be done, and had to be done fast.
During our pre-marital counselling classes, one of the female facilitators shared about her struggles with sex. She told us that she every-time the husband wanted sex, she used to go to the bathroom to pray for strength to go through it. I am pretty sure every husband on the globe has been told the annoying headache story or the ovulating one or the famous punchline ‘I just don’t feel like it today, can we do it tomorrow?’ Are women not just interested in sex once they get married? or is there something wrong with the way both sexes view sex?
When Gathoni & I were dating, our libidos were both off the roof. We could not wait to get married, and finally receive the legal licence to do it! We could not just wait, we felt as if we would burn with passion. Interestingly, the great Apostle Paul in the Holy Scriptures advised the singles to get married instead of burning with passion. Marriage was the ultimate, my friends. Our dreams constituted one thing, and one thing only, sex, lots of crazy, leg-shaking sex. We constantly day dreamed about all the places we wanted to make love in, no place was off limits (hahahahaha).
The 1st months in our marriage were electric, to say the least. We were like two little kids locked inside a chocolate factory. The glow on our skin and the bounce in our step was hard to hide. We were constantly giggling and laughing together, like two crack heads high on meth. Solomon said it best in Proverbs 5. We were intoxicated with each others love. It felt as if we would burst open with pleasure and enjoyment, marriage life was beyond a dream, the sex better than any high we had ever experienced.
By and by though, life and reality took over. Now, we had other things to think and worry about other than just getting busy in the sheets. With time, the excitement, joy and pleasure began a slow fade and unknowing to us, sex became more of an obligation rather than a pleasurable hobby. I also realised that I now used sex as a quick fix. Impatient sex I call it. I felt that I had no time for the long drawn experience, I wanted just a moment of pleasure. At this time, Gathoni started ‘not feeling like it’ any more. We started skipping days and weeks without sex. And when we had it, it left us feeling unfulfilled, something changed and we had to figure it out fast.
Electric Vs Gas Stove
Overtime something had changed in our marriage. With the busyness of life, we spent less and less time focusing on our sex life. Now bills and investments became the new drug. Money became our god, and out went our entire marriage. I, on the other hand, relied more on quick fixes a.k.a quickies. Why take an hour making love when you could get the same result in 5 mins?
During our pre-marital classes, one of our facilitators likened the female arousal to lighting an electric cooker, while the male arousal was likened to a gas cooker. The electric cooker takes very long to heat up and also cool down, while the gas cooker takes a second to turn on and turn off. So, I took an instant to get ready for sex, while my wife took longer time. And after we were done, I would instantly turn off and fall asleep while my wife would be be left feeling unfulfilled as she would take longer to turn off.
This is completely natural and God created it this way. And because of my ‘quick fixes’ Gathoni was feeling not fulfilled and thus was not in the mood. It looked more and more one-sided, like the sex was just to fulfil my own desires and not hers. Also, I became less and less in the mood to do the work it would take to ‘warm’ up my wife. It just seemed like too much work. I kept wishing that she would rise quickly to my level without doing too much ‘work’. Gathoni even one time told me that she felt as if I was using her. (Ouch)
The solution to our problem lay in one little verse in the holy scriptures
Husbands, consider the needs of your wives. They are weaker than you. So treat them with respect. (1st Peter 3:7)
Peter gives us the perfect solution. We husbands should consider the needs of our wives 1st. The bible even calls them the weaker sex, and we are to treat them with respect. God made this difference in libidos for a purpose. It was not that Gathoni was not interested in having sex anymore, her needs were just different. I needed to get a little bit of wisdom on how the female anatomy works.
She was not like me, who turned on and off in an instant. She was ‘weaker’ in the form that she needed a little bit of tender loving care to warm her up. She wanted me to caress her, whisper in her ear, run my fingers through her hair, hold her gently and completely focus on her. And then she would slowly warm up and became so fired up that she would take an eternity to cool down. This was to my advantage as we could do it over and over again, before she finally cooled down!
That is God’s purpose and that is how He created the act of love making between a husband and a wife.
To God Be All Glory
I am a disciple of Christ, passionate about serving God’s purpose to my generation. I am a husband to Gathoni Kiruthi and together God has blessed us with 3 amazing children