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It is important to start this off with a disclaimer.

This article may rub you off in the wrong way, we wanted to state this on the onset so that you would be open to read this and we pray that it does convict you as it did for us in our marriage. It not only saved our marriage but also rescued our sex life.

One of the things that God revealed to us about our marriage was that we were two very selfish individuals and it was ruining our sex life and marriage. Selfishness was the invisible virus that was slowly gobbling up our intimacy, the only problem was that we could not see it in ourselves only in others.

We each believed that we were doing the best we could in our marriage, while the other person was simply lazy, just lying there and intentionally doing this just to tick us off. We were doing ok, just that we were married to the most selfish partner on the globe, who was responsible for all the woes in our marriage and sex life.

God revealed to us in a moment of desperate prayer, that each of us was inherently selfish; only wanting our own way, interested only in getting our needs served instead of making it our mission to serve the needs of our partner. God then revealed to us a portion of scripture that we had been side-stepping for so long, as it was simply too much for our liking

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

1st corinthians 7:4

Incidentally, this is one of the most controversial, debated and misrepresented portion of scripture when it comes to marriage. Most, like Gathoni & I, quickly by passed it and moved on to other portions, that we were comfortable with. No wonder you hardly ever hear it preached or read during wedding ceremonies. God unfortunately revealed to us that this was the remedy that was needed to salvage our marriage. Oh boy!

Car Hire

Every time we read this verse these images came to mind

Give anyone a free licence to use and you will definitely get abuse, lots and lots of abuse. A good example is what happens when people hire out cars. They use them to ferry the most absurd stuff, never miss a pothole when off-roading, ignore all service warnings, over speed, do drag racing et al. Basically they ABUSE the car simply because it does not belong to them.

And for most of us, this is not just statistical but it has happened to us. We have been abused & betrayed by those we loved and trusted the most. Without question this verse in 1 Corinthians should never see the light of day, it is just a wanton licence to attract abuse from your partner. Or so we thought.

Car Ownership

God showed us that Apostle Paul was not referring to ‘car hire’ but ‘car ownership’ in regards to our example above. Basically, Paul was saying that when a man and woman get married they should not only exchange rings but most importantly exchange keys to ownership. This car (body) now belongs to you. I do not hire it out to you only when you need it, it belongs 100% to you.

And that is what makes the world of a difference when it comes to sex and marriage.

What was happening in our marriage was that we were hanging on to the keys. Yes, you could have my body, but it was not yours, it was mine. I will occasionally hire or loan it out to you, but never forget the log book, title deed is still under my name. That way, we figured, we could protect ourselves from abuse, and also, just in case we had to leave, then we would still own ourselves.

Take care of yourself, the mantra goes, because no one else will.

Unfortunately, this was working against us. The abuse was phenomenal, just like the cars on hire, the guy driving it did not own it. And so with the growing abuse, we with-held the keys more. Next time you would come to ‘borrow’ my car then there would definitely be some resistance and a long list of conditions for use. That was our sex life and marriage in a nutshell, it was every ‘man’ for themselves and God for us all.

If only my partner would ‘change’ we kept saying, then our marriage would be one for the books.

God’s Guide to Great Sex

God’s design was all about ‘ownership’, handing the keys over to your partner.

It was just mad if not outright crazy.

God continued to instruct us in ‘his’ way and why it was the best way. ‘Ownership’ meant handing over authority of your own body to your partner. Though, God’s kind of ownership was very different. This ownership was in the form of service. When you hand over the keys at the altar, you give your partner one instruction only.

I am giving you this car, it will forever belong to you, there is no condition for ownership, it is yours 100%. This car will serve you in any you want. It is your responsibility now, your wish is its command!

Waaaah! this was too hard to accept, God must be crazy, our minds could not grasp or accept this fact.

The Gift of Ownership

What we were not seeing in our ‘limited thinking’ was that ownership came with such a wonderful gift in the name of RESPONSIBILITY. Why we were so adamant about accepting this policy was that we had been abused before and we knew that giving our partner total ownership would surely lead us to an early grave.

The only problem was that we were confusing hiring with ownership.

There is no one who takes care of a car more than the owner of the car. The clean it everyday, are careful to avoid all the potholes and ditches, they service it regularly and sometimes, some have even been accused of loving it more than their spouse (hahahaha). That is the gift of ownership that our ‘limited’ eyes could not see, and that was what God was commanding us to try out. Hand over the keys.

Sex & Marriage

Great sex is selfless sex. Great marriages are made of two partners who dedicate their lives to serving each other. The great issue of sexlessness in our marriage was because we were two very selfish individuals. It was all about ‘me, my needs, and my feelings‘. What God was showing us through 1st Corinthians 7:4 was to freely & unconditionally give ourselves to each other. To serve each other selflessly. Take the keys, they belong to you. The only problem was that we always equated serving to slavery. If I serve them selflessly, won’t they just take advantage of me. Remember the very words of Jesus Christ

 The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

Matthew 23:11-12

We know this is a very difficult truth, not just for our marriage, but for lots of marriage all over the world. We have tried this in our own marriage and we can attest that it is the best experience of our lives and we cannot wait to live everyday of our marriage this in love and in sync with each other.

God is indeed the author of marriage and the masterful inventor of sex.

To God Be All Glory


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