One fine evening we happened to pay a visit to a lovely middle aged lady who owned a beautiful home nestled in the Nairobi suburbs. Gathoni and I marvelled at the sheer enormity and beauty of her home. Our host, though, was very modest about it. She told us that she had now gotten used to the house. At first, it fascinated her every day. She felt like she was living in a dream, this was something her and her hubby had worked on, prayed over and dreamed about for so long. Though, after sometime, the intrigue began to wear off and they settled down to everyday life. It became their familiar home and now that the 1st fascination died off, it was just the normal way of life.
Something similar happened to our marriage too. During our early courtship days, we could not keep our hands off each other. When walking, we wrapped our hands around other (holding hands felt too distant). When we sat together, we were constantly rubbing our feet together, giggling and tickling each other. The hugs were phenomenal! 5 minutes at least. We constantly day dreamed and imagined how being married to each other would feel like. With no restrictions and no boundaries whatsoever!! Its like we were two unlike magnetic poles, the pull was just too great. Later on we found out that we were just another client for the in-famous ‘Sexual Attraction‘.
We constantly starred in each others dreams. And when we were awake we day-dreamed endlessly of each other. Our long, passionate texts were clear evidence that we had been bitten by this ‘attraction‘ bug. We could not wait to get married and finally live in eternity wrapped in each others’ arms. Or so we thought!
Marriage ‘Massacred’ Our Attraction
Something very interesting began to happen once we finally tied the proverbial knot. We literally experienced the ‘new house’ or ‘new car’ effect. One of our friends, on the week leading to our wedding, pulled me aside and gave me a crush course on marriage sex. One of the things that stuck with me was that he told me, if I was lucky, then sex would be a weekly occurence in our marriage. In fact he told me that the average or the norm was fortnightly! I was shocked and appalled at the same time.
How dare he say that when I was literally burning with passion for Gathoni. Why, in God’s beautiful Earth, would I wait my whole life only to have some meagre sex once a week! It made no sense at all. I just brushed it off, saying that our relationship was different. Sex would be had 3 times a day in our home, after meals the better 🙂
On the ground, things were quite different from what we had imagined.
Just to digress, I normally get amused reading social media comments on someone who posts claiming that they cannot wait to get married, so that they can be having sex all the time. The comments always crack me up. Most of them coming from married folk. Who attempt to correct the day dreamer, telling them that those telenovelas brainwashed us, marriage will shock them. Let me share our experience.
The early days were nothing short of amazing. 3 times a day, like a doctor’s prescription!. It was so exciting and awesome. We wanted this to last forever, to live everyday of our lives this crazy about each other. Over time though, real life took over. Bills, rent, work, siblings, in-laws, friends, chamas, money, clients, social media and yes, the pressure to keep up with the Joneses or in our case the Kamaus’. Our attraction settled or fizzled to familiarity. Proximity and living under the same roof massacred our sexual attraction. No, not love, not respect but sexual attraction. That RAW, rugged desire to get together. That ‘fire,’ that basic animal desire, got sacrificed on the altar of familiarity.
The Most Powerful Force in the World
I always thought that the most powerful force in the world was Nuclear Energy until I stumbled on some research. The writer claimed that there existed a force more powerful than Nuclear energy, this force was The Desire for sexual expression or sexual fulfilment. It has caused world wars, destroyed governments, closed churches and businesses and is responsible for the destruction of marriages all the world over.
Also, what Gathoni & I experienced for each other during our courtship and early marriage days was this force. That is what is called Sexual Attraction. That force is so powerful that nothing can stand in between it. It takes over your mind, emotions, feelings and actions. You cannot think about anything else. I am pretty sure every human alive has experienced this in one form or the other. You feel like you are losing your mind! That my friends, is the power of Sexual attraction, the most powerful force in the world!
Gathoni & I realised this when we started reading Solomon’s writing on love and relationships, especially in Proverbs 5 and the Songs of Solomon. Solomon’s writings are dripping with sexual nuances. The force of attraction between the male and female characters in his writings is beyond description. Basically, the wisest man who ever lived, thought so strongly about sexual attraction that most of his writing on relationships is based on this. We came to realise that love, respect, submission et al, is all important in marriage, but sexual attraction is what brings the fizz to a marriage. Try drinking a flat coke, you will definitely not go beyond two sips. That is a marriage with no sexual attraction. The fizz is gone. The fire is dead, the life is ebbing.
Why Every Marriage Needs This
Sexual attraction does not go to die in marriage. It just goes into hibernation.
Woe to you, if you start developing an unhealthy interest in someone else. That is when that animal will come back to life and you will have no power against this force. That is why men leave their families, women leave their children, and behave as if they have been possessed by some dark demon. That is just sexual attraction manifesting. That is why if you are married, you need to drop everything right now and start working on bringing back that raw, basic, animal desire back to your marriage.
A simple way to bring back the fizz is to spend time day dreaming about your partner. Fantasize about them, in your mind, imagine you both starring in the most wild, wicked & wacky movie. Sexual desire does not start down there, it starts up here, in your mind. Your mind is your biggest & strongest sex organ. If you begin to imagine it, then you will soon realize it.
This will be the best thing that you can do for your marriage. It is very hard find a couple with an amazing sex life, in a dying marriage. The 1st symptom of a dying marriage is a fizzled out sex life. So work on it. Sexting amongst a married couple is as rare as hen’s teeth! Purpose to send each other at least one sext everyday. Long, tight hugs are another secret. Awaken that dormant raw, animal desire, its just a sleeping giant that needs a jolt.
I leave you with the very famous words of King Solomon
a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated (drunk) always in her love. (Proverbs 5:19)
I am a disciple of Christ, passionate about serving God’s purpose to my generation. I am a husband to Gathoni Kiruthi and together God has blessed us with 3 amazing children