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Just for starters, it is important to reiterate that sex is God made and not man made or porn-made.

God invented sex

Aside from procreation, God’s intention was that the husband & wife would find pleasure and enjoyment together. Listen to what King Solomon said about sex in Ecc. 9:9

Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun

Solomon basically was telling us what we now know. Adulting is HARD, very HARD. God created sex not just for procreation but also for recreation (mostly) :). Something to make this life bearable and worth living. That word ‘ENJOY‘ is loaded with joy beyond your wildest imagination. God created sex to make life worth living, and marriage worth waiting for.

The only problem is that, we have not fully understood the true meaning of sex. Gathoni once told me, that sex is like a smart phone that we only use to make calls. There are hundreds, if not thousands of built-in features waiting to be unlocked. The world & porn have consumerized, objectified and cheapened sex, by claiming it to be their own invention.

God is the creator and inventor of sex and part of our mandate through this blog is to share, demystify & declassify God’s original intent of sex, and maaaaan, will it blow your mind.

My Wife Is Not Interested In Sex

If you happen to stop any random man in downtown Nairobi and ask them how their sex life is doing, 9/10 they will tell you This.

‘My wife is simply just not interested in having sex with me’.

For lots of men, this is a point of great frustration. To them their wife’s apparent disinterest in sex is a reflection of how they feel about them. I don’t feel like sex = I do not love you any more, or I am not attracted to you anymore. It baffles, frustrates and angers them. In very few cases, the wife normally has a higher libido than her husband. Mostly, during pregnancy due to the increased blood flow to the pelvic area as a result of the pregnancy. No wonder so many husbands secretly plot to get their wives pregnant, the cravings & back pains also come packaged with a wild libido!

This mismatched libidos really frustrated and almost destroyed our marriage. I secretly believed that Gathoni was withholding sex from me intentionally, just to punish me for not buying her ‘flowers’. She was an evil woman, who could care less about my feelings. What was the point of keeping myself pure, looking away from all the beautiful women I came across and trying to stay away from porn, only to come back home to a sex-starved marriage?

I always related with those men who requested the admin to hide their ID, and gush about the frustration they were experiencing in their bedroom. The loneliest people in the earth were indeed married men, I believed.

I always thought that this sex that God created had a bug in the code. There was something wrong with it and I decided to take up the case with Him. Someone even told me that the African culture had a fix for this bug in the name of ‘polygamy’. That the husband would have a set aside a day in the week for each wife. And the problem of the mismatched libido was forever solved.

Though, I was a Christian, I was not about to become unfaithful to my Gathoni just for the sake of sex. I asked God to show us what to do and He in His infinite wisdom revealed this to us.

Sex is Free, But its Not Cheap

God showed us that He intentionally created the mismatched libido in marriage, so that a couple would serve each other selflessly. Just think about it this way. If both hubby & wifey had an equal sex drive, then sex would be free and very cheap. It would make us lazy, careless, arrogant and quickly fall out of love. Look at these beautiful verses

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Ephesians 5:24-25

These beautiful verses are the foundation that hold the marriage institution together. The bible commands the wife to submit to her husband and the husband to love his wife, in EVERYTHING. Come to think of it, who in their right mind would do this?

Women hate submitting and men, if they can avoid it, will do away with love altogether. The only motivation to keep this is the inherent desire for sex. Sex is the only reason why wives submit and husbands love. Without any motivation, then no one would do it. And if we could get sex without having to do this, then we would never love or submit ever. It is very confusing but allow me to break it down.

Wives Submit…

God intentionally gave the woman a different kind of libido, let me explain it. Women love sex just as much as men do, but they experience libido in a different way. From the onset, women have very little interest in sex, their libido only picks during the sexual act itself. God created it this way. I used to get really mad. It was so, so hard getting Gathoni to do ‘it’ with me, but once we got into it, she enjoyed it so much that I thought she was playing me. Why did she initially offer so much resistance and then enjoy it soo much later? Later, I realised that this was not her trying to hurt or spite me, but it was God’s intended plan for sex between a husband and his wife.

So, when the bible tells the wife to submit to her husband in everything, sex it top of that list. Gathoni is to submit to me sexually, even if she doesn’t ‘feel’ like it. And it is only in her submitting to me in faith, that she gets to enjoy the pleasure of sex with her husband. If only wives knew this, then it will solve 80% of the trouble in their bedroom. Your feelings will lie to you, ignore them, go above them and you will reap the reward that comes with an explosive sexual session. So, my advice to wives is the mantra for Nike, ‘Just Do It’.

And when you submit to your husband sexually, then you will experience the reward of an amazing, brain-blowing, toe-curling and pubic-bursting sexual experience. Just the way God intended it. And then it will become easier to submit to him in the other areas of your marriage. A man shows his love to you and receives yours through sex. A sexless marriage is simply a loveless marriage. Remember, sex is free, but it is definitely not cheap.

Husbands Love…

God gave the man a wild, wild sex drive. 85% of a man’s thoughts have something to do with sex, it is basically all we think about (hahahah). God then paired this wild, hot-blooded male, with a lukewarm wife, and it drives men up the wall. If the woman had an equally high sex drive, then it would free the man from the obligation of loving his wife. There would be no motivation to be kind, caring, loving and romantic to his wife.

Interestingly, the male’s ravishing desire for sex will obligate him to love his wife. A wife who is well loved will never have an issue giving in to the man’s demands. In proven fact, she will not only give in but will initiate it and enjoy it to the maximum. The only vaccine or antidote to a wife’s seeming low libido is truckloads of love, care & affection from her husband. This will break down that resistance ‘wall’ and reveal the wild woman hiding behind it.

Women respond to affection with tonnes of sex. Lack of affection = lack of sex. So, if you want more sex in your marriage (all men do), then love your wife more. Spoil her with love; be caring, affectionate & tickle her romantic bone. You will be amongst those legends only reading of women’s low libido on facebook groups. Remember men, the only antidote to your wife’s low libido is love, lots of love. Sex is free, but it definitely not cheap.

In Conclusion…

That means that in order experience great sex in your marriage then you both have to be selfless. It is not about you. It is about serving your partner. Women serve by submitting and men serve by loving. The result of two selfless people is the greatest levels of sex ever experienced by a human.

These are the two keys to open the door to a mind-blowing, bed-breaking & neighbour’s chasing, kinda SEX!

To God Be All Glory

Please share it with someone who needs this


  • Dj lebbz

    Very helpful bro. I wish every couple could read this

  • Sir George

    Great insight

  • Mwangi

    Great read, one all couples should read and discuss.
    Keep them coming.

  • Anonymous

    Good read,full of insights.Thank you

  • Anonymous

    a bomb read..God bless you for being this open to the marriage community, we are learning so much from you.

  • Terry

    I partly see it differently. The verse on submission and love is a bit out of context. I do not believe that the mismatched libido is by anyway God’s design. I think it is a result of a lot of socialization and media influence. men grow up being fed this narrative that they should like sex more and women are socialized to believe that women who like sex are loose… So this coupled with a lot of misinformation and even a bit of reinforcement from the church has fuelled this narrative even further. God created us different yes, but he also designed for it to be enjoyed by both and no…submission doesn’t quite fit into this context. I am married and have had this conversation with a number of my married friends and for many couples, women’s libidos are actually higher than men but many are afraid to openly share because of how they will be perceived. So there is a case of mismatched libido yes and there are a number of factors at play, it might be the woman and other times the man but it was in no way God’s design. No amount of submission will cure it, it requires a lot of unlearning and a couple getting to the route cause of their case specific issue.

    • Ben Kiruthi

      Hey Terry,

      Thanks for sharing. The verse I shared is a verse specifically about marriage between a husband and a wife. It is not about inanimate objects so that is why I quoted it here in regards to this topic.

      The command here and the vows we share with each other when we get married are unconditional, not based on feeling or situations. Paul commands the husband to love his wife unconditionally and he commands the wife to submit to her husband in everything.

      Sex is not an invention of man. It was designed by God to be enjoyed in marriage only. God gives us principles in his word and Ephesians 5 is such a perfect example.

      In your case do you also believe that love as commanded in Ephesians 5 has no effect in bedroom. That whether I love my wife or not does not affect her eagerness to make love with me? Or whether a wife submits and respects her husband it has no effect in their love making?

      At least I have experienced both scenarios 1st hand in our marriage

  • Ann

    Its you point of view but i truely believe it comes from a point of misinformation. Firstly, there are women who have high sex drives even more than their men and not just when their pregnant.
    Women end up ‘not feeling like it’ as you put it not because of how they were created but because a man has stopped learning ways to get her interested. In marriage Men can become lazy because they no longer have to chase instead roll over asking for it with no elaborate preparation.
    It is absolutely wrong for you to ask women to just have sex if they dont feel like it. Instead tell men to make women interested and stop being lazy!!!! It is no surprise that they end up enjoying sex even when they didnt want to. They need you to work on making them want to. Please seek point of views of women. This truely are the misinformed thoughts of men who justify womens actions by claiming that is how we were created. An it is borderline asking women to be okay with RAPE! A woman HAS TO WANT TO.

    Even God urges us to have wisdom.

    • Ben Kiruthi

      Hey Ann,

      Thanks so much for sharing. The bible verse shared is in Ephesians 5, is not just a man’s opinion but God’s unique design for marriage, it is definitely not my own opinion. What you have shared is absolutely true, men need to love their wives as commanded in the bible, this will definitely improve their sex life. Likewise the bible instructs the wife to submit to her husband in everything. It always takes two to tango, I am instructed to love my wife unconditionally, means whether she meets the part of her bargain or not. My love should not be conditioned on her meeting her part, the comman is to the husband. On the other hand the wife equally is to submit to her husband in everything whether he meets his part of the bargain or not. Both this are shared in my post above. Both equally according to Paul must serve 1st in order to have a great and amazing marriage and sex life. God designed it this way, not man or culture but God, the creator of humanity and the author of sex and marriage

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