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I felt like someone had lit a ‘Nebuchadnezzar’ fire under my feet, every time I saw Gathoni. I could not take my eyes and heart off her. She was exciting, dazzling, enchanting, and mesmerizing all at the same time. I could not believe my luck, I had bagged such a rare & special gift. She was everything I ever dreamed about growing up. Other girls simply vanished, they did not exist in our own little utopian world. It was just my Gathoni & I, and the world revolved around our love. I was a man in love, the world became a little more beautiful, the Monday mornings a little more bearable. Whenever the clock approached 1 pm, I got a little giddy since we used to meet every lunchtime at the big parking lot on Aga Khan Walk. Here, we would sit on the concrete pavement daydreaming and building our little life together while we munched on a 20 bob kebab and a shared packet of chips. Life was a swinging party, I had just won the jackpot!

We then decided to get married. The bible tells us that it’s better to get married than burn with passion 😂😂😂😂. The fire in the ‘kitchen’ 🔥📛👨‍🚒🚒🧯🔥 was too hot, it was almost consuming us whole!!! Is this what people meant when they said that they were in love? Oh my! what a wonderful feeling.

So, on a warm beautiful Friday morning on the 14th of February, Gathoni & I finally tied the knot. We were so excited, we were not sure of many things but what we were sure of was that we wanted to spend every waking moment together. I tried to pinch myself severally throughout the day just to make sure it was not a dream. We finally got married and it was magical. Fairytale they called it. Now it was time for our happy ever after, or so we thought.

The Happily Ever After….

Have you ever wondered why all the movies end with the guy marrying the girl? None of them show life after the fairytale wedding. Well, only Shrek tried it and it was hilarious.

Well, who would buy it? it would be such a flop, simply because the sparks stop flying and the sizzling flames of romance die down. Love is blind, they told me, but marriage is the eye-opener!!!

Living together with my new bride, was great at first. We had all the time together and we ate life with a big spoon. We cooked together, took lazy evening walks together, it was fantastic. We wondered where was all the ‘hard’ that people talked about when they were talking about marriage. We could not wait to show the world finally how to do this marriage thing right 👫💐💣😭🙊. With time, the shine & sparkle began to fade slowly away and we fell into the boring routine and ordinariness of life.

Think about it this way. The very 1st time you move into a new house, everything looks wonderful & magical. Though the more you live in the house, you become used to it and it no longer thrills as it used to before. Nothing wrong with it, that is just the normal way of life, and our young marriage was no exception.

That LOVE ‘feeling’ simply left, puff and it was gone! I was left puzzled and confused while Gathoni was angry and moody. Did I just ‘dupe’ her into marrying me? Where was the man she married? Where did all the fire go? None of us understood what had happened to us. Didn’t they tell us that all you needed to have a happy marriage was love? And yet that morning in February when we got married, we had nothing but love for each other. Why wasn’t our marriage working then? We soon realized that there was something we did not know, and that was the issue in our marriage. This is when we stumbled across this beautiful verse in proverbs

Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.

Proverbs 4:7

That was it! Wisdom was what Gathoni & I desperately needed. We innocently & naively believed that when we got married, we understood love. Oh, how mistaken we were! For us, our limited understanding equated love to the mushy warm feeling we felt for each other when we were dating.

And once we did get married and the warm fuzzy feeling left, we assumed that we had fallen out of love. Oh, how mistaken we were. We realized that we had to seek the principal thing, that is WISDOM, in order to save our marriage. Wisdom as we mentioned in our last post here is applied knowledge. Not just knowledge but applied TRUTH. That is very important since all of us grew up thinking we knew what marriage and love were all about. We had to seek the truth and apply it in our marriage. That is what wisdom was all about.

The bible for us is the only source of the truth that we know. So, when we went to the bible, this is what it defined love as…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away

1 Cor 13:4-8

When I read & re-read these well-known verses, I realized the bible never mentioned love as a ‘Feeling‘. There were no ‘feelings’ involved whatsoever. Love was a command, it was a law, it was a rule. Laws have no emotion to them. You either obey them or break them. Laws are something you CHOOSE to do. So, Gathoni & I realized that because of our own ignorance we had a messed-up definition of love. Love was not a feeling. Love was a DECISION, something we chose to do. Let me break it down.

Whenever we had somewhere to go together, Gathoni was always late in getting ready. It made me furious, I could not understand why she never seemed to keep time, we were late for all the events we attended together.

So, in this scenario, I had a DECISION to make. Was I going to keep on getting angry and moody over her lateness or was I going to be patient and kind with her. Another instance is during those late nights when the baby needed to have their diaper changed and Gathoni needed help, I had a DECISION to make. Was I going to help change the baby? or was I going to pretend to be fast asleep! Again LOVE was something I had to choose.

Whenever I made the same mistake for the 7 millionth time and came to ask Gathoni for an apology, she had a DECISION to make. Was she to walk away from me or forgive me and keep no record of wrongs?

In all this, we realized that LOVE was not a feeling but something that we choose to do. It was a decision that we had to make every time. The bible says that LOVE never fails. But feelings fail. Feelings say I will only love you, as long as you are loveable. As long as you keep that Coca-Cola body, I will keep feeling attracted to you. As long as you keep your bank balance over a million, I will keep adoring you. Those are feelings, they change every 5 seconds depending on our emotions. LOVE is unconditional, it is not dished out dependent on a set of standards that you must meet. That is why whenever Gathoni made me mad, the lovey-dovey feeling went & I assumed I had stopped loving her. WRONG! Love never passes away, it is eternal.

What a wonderful revelation this was. And the beautiful thing about this was that whenever we decided to do these actions (even though we were not feeling them) that warm fuzzy feeling returned. What we were getting wrong was assuming that the feeling produced the actions (Kindness, humility, forgiveness, trust). While the reverse was true. That every-time we chose to do the actions (in-spite of how we felt) then the feelings came back.

So, what we were experiencing during dating was the ‘puppy’ kind of love. Grown-up love, says that even though you do not deserve to be loved, I CHOOSE to love you.

That is why when we are on the altar we vow:

…..to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part

So, do not feel bad, when the warm feeling goes, just know that your love is maturing, growing up. Morphing to the true kind of eternal love. Like the love that Jesus has for us. He did not love us because we deserved it. In fact, what we deserved was death because of our sins. True love, has to be tried and tested in the crucible of hardship and difficulties. If your love cannot survive poverty, sickness, and hardship, then maybe it was not love to begin with. Never forget this…

But God clearly shows and proves His own love for us, by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

To God Be The Glory,

The Kiruthis


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Comments

  • Anonymous
    Reply

    Wooow great revelation right there….. Love is truly a decision.

    • Winnie
      Reply

      This brings more insight to how we view marriage and what it really is

      • Tella k
        Reply

        Oooh how true!Profound read!keep up you are blessed.

  • HALIMA
    Reply

    This is so informative, and an eye opener.

  • Tella kwamboka
    Reply

    Oooh how true!Profound read!keep up you are blessed.

  • Damaris Gathoni Chege
    Reply

    Great Read this one. It has spoken to me deeply. Thank you

  • Irene
    Reply

    Such a beautiful article. Thanks for sharing

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